Although secret adoption in Korea is mainly practiced by families adopting very young children (0 - 2 years), the reasons we need to do away with secret adoptions are simple:

1) Do it for the children and the parents.

2) Do it for other homeless children in Korea.

I would like to stress again that secret adoption practiced by Koreans is not necessarily wrong due to their cultural circumstances. However there is so much more to gain by being open about it. If Koreans open up on adoption, then it will becomes more acceptable in society and encourages more Koreans to adopt.

Many Koreans may differ with this viewpoint in how openly acknowledging their adoption will be beneficial to their children. This in light of the fact that secret adoption is practiced in order to protect the interest of their children and the families involved. Therefore one may ask, "Are we really doing our child a favor by being open about adoption?"

A) The foremost reason why a child needs to be informed of his adoption is that he deserves to know the truth about himself.
However painful his past may be the child will grow up with that knowledge and accepts his own circumstances as he matures into adulthood. His maturing process is especially helped by the constant assurance and love received from his parents. This is the key to his positive outlook in life.

B) The second reason is that the fear of what others may think of one’s adopted child is over-blown.
For every person who ridicules your child for being adopted, there will be many more people who will praise you and your child. Believe not the negative comments you may hear. Believe those who encourage you with positive words and thank them. Believe that you were chosen by God to be parents to a child that needed you. Believe that you were meant for one another and you are not going to allow some foolish comments get in the way of loving that child. Your child needs your courage to stand up for him.

C) The third reason is that the fear of your child not accepting you as the real parents is also over-blown.
Most children remember those who loved more than those who gave birth to them. Of course adoptees are by nature curious about their birth parents. This is a fact you must accept as adoptive parents. The best way to show them your love is by supporting their search to find birth parents if they choose to in later years. Do not discourage their search. Do not hide any truth from them. To discourage their search is to deny a part of who they are. They need to find answers for themselves. This is the way to show your real love. After they satisfy their curiosity and longing, they will come to terms with themselves. They will have better ideas as to who they are.

For adoptees, birthparents are practically strangers even if they were to meet them for the first time. It will be very difficult for adoptees to draw closer to their birthparents since there is no shared bond of love between them for all the years of separation. This is probably the biggest obstacle adoptees may have to overcome if they were to have any meaningful relationship with their birthparents.

If you have loved your children sincerely, they will know. Your children will always stay with you because they will remember the place of love. It is possible they will find their birth parents. Once the curiosity has been satisfied, most of them will return back to their adoptive parents. I have met many adoptees in my life, and have never met or heard an adoptee, when having found birth parents decided to abandon the adoptive family and go live with the birth parents. Adoptees remember the place of love more than the place of birth.

Consequences of Children Finding Out Their Adoption Later in Life:

This is probably the greatest fear among the Korean adoptive parents who have adopted secretly. They fear their children may one day learn of his/her adoption. For most of the parents, they think this will never happen to their children. Secret adoptions may work in many cases, but keeping the adoption secret from children may be counter productive in the long run. There is no guarantee that adoption can be kept secret forever. Discussed below are potential consequences of keeping adoption secret and offer some recommendations to adoptive parents.

I have heard many cases where children find out later that they have been adopted. The emotional shock, pain and disappointment experienced by those children can be indescribable. Many feel cheated by their parents for not having been straightforward with them from the beginning. Some were able to overcome their shock with time, but many could never get over it. Below are some of my thoughts on this:

A) Many children are terribly saddened and distressed to learn they are not their parents’ real sons or daughters. This is the most painful knowledge they will have to bear for many years if not their entire lifetime. The knowledge that their parents are not the real ones will begin the longing in their hearts to search for their birth parents. Unfortunately for many children, this is the time when they are tempted to become angry and to misunderstand their adoptive parents. For example, an adoptee may recall past experiences involving punishment for wrongful deeds, extra rebuke he may have received, or parents not getting him certain gifts he wanted for birthdays or Christmas, or not spending enough time with him. These memories come back to him and make perfect sense to him why his parents treated him that way. He mistakenly concludes that his parents didn’t really love him because he was adopted. He falsely concludes also that had he been their real son, he would not have been treated that way. Therefore, It shouldn’t surprise anyone why he may resent his parents from that moment on and cause a good relationship to go bad.

B) Many adoptees will eventually overcome their initial disappointment and adjust to the new situation and realize that their adoptive parents made the decisions in their best interest, many, however, feel they have been cheated in life by having been lied to all along. Adoptive parents may try to explain the reasons or circumstances behind their decisions, but no matter how well-intentioned their reasons are, these children are hurt, and in many cases the damage to parent-child relationship is permanently damaged.

These are the reasons why the majority of the Korean adoptive parents will never reveal secret adoption to their children.

Recommendations to Parents:

If you are parents of an adopted child, and have kept his/her adoption secret, the following is my recommendation:

A) If your child is young (12 years or younger), you may reveal to the child that he was adopted. It is far better to let him know early on. Gradual adjustment and growth into the acceptance that he was adopted is a better option than learning the truth later and be shocked and confused. Contrary to the belief, a child who knows early on that he was adopted will accept his circumstance and grow with it with proper encouragement and guidance from the parents. As for the fear on what others may think of him and you as parents for your openness in adoption, the fear is much more exaggerated than what it really is. (See C below).

B) If a child is in his teen years or older and he is not aware of adoption, then maintain the secrecy and do not reveal it to him unless necessary. If you choose to reveal it to him later, then you must be well prepared to face the consequences. You must reassure your child that your love for him remains the same no matter what.

C) As for fear of your child being ridiculed or discriminated against by his school friends or other adults, the chance of that happening is very small.

I have met thousands of Korean-Americans and I have never met a person who ridiculed me because I was adopted. However, in Korea, my situation was worse because I carried with me the label of being an orphan. Even in that situation I cannot remember one time when a school friend ridiculed me because I was an orphan. The fear of being ridiculed is all in the mind. Instead of being ridiculed, I had many wonderful friends who accepted me as their friends. My memory of the people I met while in Korea to the time I was adopted into a family in the US at the age of fourteen has been very positive. This is not to say that an orphan is not ridiculed in Korea. The bottom line is, whether I was an orphan or is an adoptee doesn’t really matter much since I have met wonderful people despite my circumstances, and I choose to look on the positive aspect of the whole experience.

I had plenty of time to be called names and be ridiculed during my fourteen years living in Korea as an orphan, but I really don’t remember anyone who did. Kids tease more on physical aspects than a child’s status as an orphan or as an adoptee. It has been my experience that kids usually tease other kids for their race, color of skin, physical attractiveness, funny speech, etc., not so much on their orphan/adoptee status.

One of the reasons why adoption is not popular in Korea is that there is lack of role model families who have adopted children openly. If you adopt a child openly and love the child as your own, you become a role model for other potential adoptive parents. Your love and generosity will challenge others to look at the adoption in positive ways.

In the Western world, there is little or no fear in adopting homeless children, nor is there negative social stigma attached to those children. They have very high esteem of those who adopt. Some claim the Western world having its history entwined in the Judeo-Christian culture has something to do with their view on adoption. But the fact is clear. If the concept of adoption is well accepted in a society, and esteemed as a noble gesture toward humanity, there will be more people who will adopt.

Koreans must adopt the same cultural values. If more Koreans adopt, there will emerge more Koreans who will be open to adoption. Thus, more children having families of their own.