By Stephen C. Morrison

1. I cannot accept and love a child who wasn't born from me.

This is probably the most common reason why people do not adopt. People have difficulty in accepting a child who does not belong to them biologically. However, the beauty of adoption is that it is done by your choice. It is not forced upon you. From a Christian perspective, I really believe God has intended some children to be brought into this world as orphans, but to be loved and cared by other loving families. I don't fully understand the reasons behind why God does what He does. But I take comfort from the Scripture. In Isaiah 43:7 God said, "...I have created them for my glory..."

God may use a particular woman to bring a child into the world, but He has planned the child to be loved and cared by another family for His glory. We don't fully understand the mysteries behind why God would allow some children to suffer and expect us to believe they were created for His glory. But we have to trust in His infinite wisdom. In Mark 9:37 Jesus said, "Whoever welcomes the least of these children in my name welcomes me also..." Although Jesus never commanded Christians to adopt children, but this statement by Jesus clearly indicates how He will be pleased if Christian families adopt a homeless children. I see in the eyes of those homeless children the very eyes of Jesus Christ. It may be God's will for you to help those children. If you do not have a biological child, there may be a reason why God hasn't allowed you to have one. This is not a curse, but a blessing in disguise. Perhaps God has a child somewhere waiting for you. This child is waiting to call you Mom and Dad. Perhaps God wishes for you to adopt a child in His name and give God the glory through that child.

2. I have a biological child already. I am afraid I cannot love an adopted child as much as my own child.

I have heard this statement many times coming from Koreans who agree in principle the virtues of adoption, but could not bring themselves to adopt children for the fear they may not be able to love adopted children as much as their own biological children. This concern is very honest and genuine. It is natural and understandable those parents ask this question.

I believe the best place for a homeless child to grow up is in a family that already has more than one child. Having a brother or a sister in a family can be very encouraging and will help both the adopted and the biological children. However, do not adopt a child if you are not sure of yourself. Adoption isn't for everyone. I believe one has to be called to adopt. If you adopt, you must love the child equally as your own.

Let me share with you a true story of a friend of mine in Korea who adopted a child. My friend was happily married and had a beautiful daughter by birth. My friend had a lot of compassion for orphans and suggested to his wife that they adopt a child. His wife was against the idea. Not only that, his side and her side of the families were against the idea as well. Because my friend worked at an adoption agency, he occasionally traveled to the airport to escort some children who were leaving Korea to go to American families.

One day, one of the children, a baby boy, waiting to leave for America had a cancellation in adoption. My friend was notified of this change while he was at the airport. My friend could not take the baby boy anywhere, so he took the boy to his own home, where he thought his family could take care of the baby boy until he got re-assigned with another family. During this time, his wife took care of the baby everyday, and the baby was introduced to all the other family members.

After a month later, my friend told his wife that the baby has been assigned to a new family in America and the boy must leave their home. His wife was upset the boy was leaving so soon and told her husband she didn't want to give up the baby. Therefore they adopted the baby and they were very happy afterward. Their entire family members were happy as well. My friend told me that he and his wife loved the new child very much and loved as much as their own biological daughter.

Most likely, my friend's wife was concerned whether she would be able to love an adopted child as much as her own daughter. She found out when she started to take care of the baby boy. In the process she found out she could love the child as much as her own. She also realized that loving someone is a choice she can make. It is in giving, you receive blessing.

There are many people who are unlovable until you decide to love. You choose to love your spouse. You choose to love your friends. You can choose to love a child you adopt. Think of it this way. God may have planned all along for you to adopt a child. He knows that you will love the child equally. In as much as He wishes for you to bring joy and happiness through the child, God will bless your family through the child even more.

History and experience has shown that most adoptees turn out well, just as biologically born children. Just as children who are born biologically and raised in normal family settings become successful citizens in a society, adoptees become successful too. On the contrary, just as children who are born biologically and raised in normal family settings become failures in the society, adoptees can fail too. There is no difference. If biological children fail in schools and in the society, what is the reason for their failure? If an adoptee fails in the same manner, why should his failure be explained any differently? Adoptees go through the same growing pains that all adolescent teenagers go through. They have the same problems and concerns to deal with as they mature. Therefore, if an adoptee fails in a society, he is no different because children who weren't adopted fail as well.

In Los Angeles, there are many Korean teenagers who cause a lot of trouble. They don't do well in schools, they steal, they do drugs, and they get into trouble with the law. But almost none of them were adopted. They all have their own parents and families. What is their reason for failure? However, if an adoptee gets into the same trouble, most Koreans would conclude that the failure was due to the fact that he is an adoptee, or that his adoption failed. Often the Korean news media would carry stories of troubled teenagers. The unfortunate thing is that if one of those teenagers happened to be an adoptee, the Korean news media will certainly point out that he/she is an adoptee on the news headlines. You will never see that happening in the American news media. You may read about his adoption being mentioned somewhere in their articles, but not headlined like they do in the Korean society. The Korean news media must cover these articles more responsibly. We cannot draw a general conclusion on adoptees just from a few isolated cases that the Korean news media decides to focus on.

An argument can be made to say that adoptees have better chance of being successful because parents who wanted them in the first place adopted them. It is a common knowledge that many children who were born were not initially planned or even wanted by their parents, but most parents accept and cope with the unexpected surprises and raise them with love. But in the case of adoptees, they are adopted because they were wanted. The truth is that no one can predict whether adoptees will turn out well. You can't even predict whether your own biological children will turn out well. The fear of failure is not only with adopted children, but with your own children as well. It is important not to dwell on the fear, but realize that a child needs you as parents and you need that child to love and share the joy of being a family. When a child knows he/she is loved, chances are great that child will grow into loving and responsible individual.

It is very important that both husband and wife agree to adopt. The decision to adopt should not be based on one partner's desire. In the Korean culture, the family relationship is very intertwined and involved. One family member does not make an independent decision on something just because he/she desires. Often approvals from the rest of the family members are required.

Take an example in marriage. If a young man loves a woman and desires to marry her, and she consents to his proposal, that is not the end. The man has to get the approval from his parents, and the woman from her side of the family. In many cases grandparents must approve the marriage as well. Countless number of love relationships has been broken either by parents or other family members. In Korea there is a saying, "If you marry, you marry into your spouse's family as well."

Therefore in Korea, this cultural aspect alone is a great barrier against couples who want to adopt. How do you overcome this barrier? The only way I can answer this question is by sharing with you a true story of a Korean family who adopted despite the objections from the family members and friends.

The Yoo family lives in Korea. Mr. and Mrs. Yoo had two children biologically, a boy and a girl. The children have grown, and the boy attends a high school and the girl attends a middle school. Both Mr. Yoo and his wife are devout Christians who always had special hearts for homeless children. They wanted to adopt a child, but their parents strongly disapproved of their plan. Their friends all recommended against such idea. Some even called them crazy for adopting a child who doesn't belong to them.

Despite the objections raised by those close to them, they went ahead and adopted an infant boy. When they brought the baby home, their hearts were filled with joy as well as anxiety that come from doing something out of the ordinary. They said they put everything in the hands of the Lord.

One day, Mr. Yoo's father came to visit them. Upon seeing the new grandson, the new grandfather refused to look at the child, saying he will never hold the child or associate with him. This rejection really pained the hearts of the couple. But they knew they did the right thing by adopting a homeless child.

However, as the new grandfather witnessed the newfound joy in the couple, and how they loved the boy very much, his heart gradually began to change. He came to visit them more often. Later he started to touch the baby and hold him as well. Now he loves the boy very much.

Refer to: Why Do Away With Secret Adoption

Refer to: Why Do Away With Secret Adoption

This concern is very genuine in Korea (Refer to: Why Koreans Practice Secret Adoption)

Because of the fear on what others in the neighborhood may think or say about adoption, many Koreans don't adopt. If they do adopt, it is done in secret.

For every person who ridicules your child for being adopted, there will be many more who will praise you and your child. Believe not the negative comments you may hear. Believe those who encourage you with positive words and thank them. Believe that you were chosen by God to be parents to a child that needed you. Believe that you were meant for one another and you are not going to allow some foolish comments get in the way of loving that child. Your child needs your courage to stand up for him.

It will take many years before Koreans can embrace the concept of adoption in positive ways. But this can only be speeded by courageous people who would do what is right, and not listen to baseless rumors from the people who are not in the position to make any comments.

Some Koreans are downright cruel in their description of homeless children. They label them with names that are derogatory. I had a friend who lived in Korea. He and his wife had a biological child but decided to adopt a baby. After the adoption was finalized the baby came home. Not long after that, his neighbors were making very unkindly remarks. They described the adopted child as a "something the couple picked up from the street" as if to describe a "thing" rather than to describe a person. After this experience, my friend moved away to another part of the city and kept the adoption secret from then on. I don't blame my friend for his decision to move away and to keep adoption secret. But it saddens me to see how some Koreans can be very cruel. It is bad enough they don't want to help homeless children themselves, but to make derogatory comments to those who help those children are inexcusable. This applies to children who are adopted by foreign parents as well. These insensitive people oppose foreign adoption, claiming it is a national shame, but they don't lift a finger to help those children themselves.

Do not let those people dictate you what should be done or what should not be done. You can choose to be courageous and ignore them. Do what your heart tells you as the right thing to do.

Refer to: Recommendations to Parents

Refer to: The third reason is...

I have never met an adoptee who was not curious about his/her background such as where they came from and who their biological parents were. For an adoptee, to have this kind of curiosity is natural and expected. Many adoptees have expressed the desire to find biological parents, and some have succeeded in finding them. But for most of those adoptees who have found their biological parents, the results have been mixed. Some, after meeting them, were just satisfied at the fact they finally found their parents and moved on without staying in contact with their birth parents again. In some cases, the biological parents resented the fact the children they gave up many years ago came back to remind them of their painful past. In other cases, the adoptees saw their birth parents and realized that they were not what they have always dreamed of and came back disillusioned and disappointed. I have seen some cases where adoptees wished they had never tried to contact their birth parents after going through the experiences of finding them.

Adoptees seek out for their birth parents out of natural instinct of wanting to know who their real parents are. After much time and effort spent on searching for their birth parents, they realize that the real parents are the adoptive parents they now have. I have never met or heard of a case where an adoptee left his adoptive parents and went back to live with his birth parents. This speaks of the fact that raising a child in love is more important than giving birth to a child. In the end, a child remembers his love, not where he came from. Therefore, do not worry if your adopted child later decides to seek for his birth parents. Support him in his search for the missing puzzle. Let him come to his own conclusion. Continue to show him your love. He will never depart your family of love.

Your desire to accept and love a child as your own will enable you to overcome the financial difficulty. Even the poorest of families have children of their own and do their best to live. I know an American couple who wanted to adopt a sibling group of five children from Korea, but financially unable to do so. However, the couple appealed to their church friends and got financial support from their friends. They were very happy when all five children came home. To them, finance was not the barrier, but the desire to become parents to the needy children. Some parents have borrowed money to adopt children. It takes a lot of money to raise a child today nowadays. One needs to carefully consider the matter of finance before deciding to adopt. However, listen to your heart. If you really want to adopt a child, you can always find means to do it.

People spend $20,000 or $30,000 to buy cars or remodel their homes. They may not have cash so they finance the purchases. However many consider paying $12,000 to permanently help a homeless child is too costly. It all depends on your priority.

Please do not adopt. Children deserve better homes.

Although the traditional belief is that a child should have a mother and a father, it is not impossible to raise a child alone. Many single parents have raised their children successfully. My belief is that a single parent for a child is a lot better than having no parents at all. However, whether a single person can adopt a child mainly depends on the adoption laws of the country. Some countries may not allow single parent adoption.

You are not too old to adopt if you or your spouse are 44 years or younger in America, and 50 years or younger in Korea. For Korean-American couples who are older than 44 years-old but still want to adopt, the Korean government will consider case-by-case basis.  If you can raise a child from his/her first year to the time of high school graduation, you are young enough to adopt.

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